I'm an Annoying Wife

These are the top three selfish things that I do that would render me annoying to any other human being, but that my family finds endearing. Well, I think they do. They tell me they love me, anyway.

I Shop When I’m Sick or Sad...And I Shop Poorly

I don’t just shop, I buy otherwise useless items. I have everything I could ever want or need.

I shit you not, this is HALF of my Frye boots and Frye shoe collection. HALF. Who needs this many boots? No one. Well, I do. If only because I'm obsessed. I stopped buying them several years ago because, well, obviously. I love, cherish, and wear them all. But, an example of why I need and want for nothing. Oh, and why my husband deserves a damn medal.

I shit you not, this is HALF of my Frye boots and Frye shoe collection. HALF. Who needs this many boots? No one. Well, I do. If only because I'm obsessed. I stopped buying them several years ago because, well, obviously. I love, cherish, and wear them all. But, an example of why I need and want for nothing. Oh, and why my husband deserves a damn medal.

In withdrawal, you feel like, well, shit. You spend a lot of time on the couch, or just lying on the floor, hoping the couch moves closer. I’ve been doing remarkably well, actually. I’ve been speeding through the process like an out of control semi, speeding down Mount Doom. But, when I feel poopy, clicking “check out now,” makes me feel better because a present is coming soon! And, when a box lands on the door, it’s like a surprise from me, to me! The trouble is, I buy ridiculous crap.

I don't spend much money these days. But, what I do buy is things like this. Taaa-daaa! Behold the idea I have birthed from my brain-hole.

I don't spend much money these days. But, what I do buy is things like this. Taaa-daaa! Behold the idea I have birthed from my brain-hole.

Case in point: exhibit A for "ridiculous crap." Still, we watched the training DVD yesterday, Bryon with a very skeptical face, and I think we can make it happen. I anticipate a very rough six to eight months on our babies. But, can you imagine if it works? No more litter! I will keep you posted on my insane purchase.

I Make Them Refill My Drink…All Day Long

I get dry mouth from not one, but two of my meds. I have cut my Coke consumption to one a day, both because, well, ew, and it tastes bad because of the dry mouth. The syrup accumulates in my dry mouth and sticks there like molasses. It’s actually quite disgusting. Tasty, right? Anyway, I’ve developed quite a taste for plain Le Croix, mixed with a splash of cranberry.

Why should this make my family hate me, you might ask? The reasons are two-fold. Firstly, I am drinking us out of house and home, going through a few cases of Le Croix a week. Since I started drinking Le Croix long before the hipsters started thinking it was the flavor du jour, I get to claim it as legitimately frustrating that the commissary runs out so often, sending us on a wild goose chase, all over town for it. I need my Le Croix. Other soda waters are good, but we’ve discovered they give me, shall we say, unpleasant side effects in the stinky gas arena. Additionally, I’ve become a pain in the ass, requesting refills all day long, like a spoiled princess. Okay, I only do this once a day or so; but still, it’s annoying. I’d be annoyed. I’m annoyed getting it myself so often, which is why I ask for the refill!

I Make Us Keep the House Cold…Really Cold

My meds, and especially withdrawal, make me hot. I don’t just mean warm, I mean hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Alas, I torture my family with a household temperature that borders on torture. In the years that we’ve lived here, we’ve yet to turn on the heat. Only recently have we closed any windows. Our bedroom window is still wide open. Our house, at this very minute, sits at:

This doesn’t mean that I don’t bundle up to avoid the discomfort.  I’m certainly cold. Sometimes, I feel that it’s downright frigid, as it’s gotten a few degrees colder than 63. But, I refuse to change the conditions. I’ve sat in footie pajamas, two fleece robes, two blankets, an undershirt, gloves, a scarf, and a hat, and still refused to change the conditions. It’s easier to bundle up, than it is to cool down. It's a little awkward to sign for a package dressed like that though. Rather than provide an explanation to the clearly confused FedEx man, I just acted like it was totally normal. I figured it was the most disconcerting thing I could do for him, and thus the best story he could have for his friends.

Ahh, the coziness of being bundled up, reading a book. Or, am I "miming" reading a book? With white gloves, it's hard to be sure.

Ahh, the coziness of being bundled up, reading a book. Or, am I "miming" reading a book? With white gloves, it's hard to be sure.

For this, my family continues to tolerate me. They snuggle up next to me, and we watch a movie, or we play a game. My body seems to feel better, overall, when it’s cooler in the house, so they put on an extra sweater, and smile as mommy asks why it’s so hot in here. What they don't realize is that the colder it gets, the closer they have to snuggle to me. Bwhahaha! Lord help them when menopause hot flashes hit!

I love them to the ends of the earth, and I'm sure I provide them with something they find enjoyable too, because for all of my faults, they keep me around!

P.S. Isn't my kitten adorable?

I couldn't resist! Put 'em up!

I couldn't resist! Put 'em up!